itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Not today. 😅
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Natty or not?
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
This squirrel eats better than I do
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead