everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
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My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I鈥檝e already told you everything you need to know
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you鈥檙e right. btw how鈥檚 that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it鈥檒l crack your back
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You鈥檙e thinking about how Nellie Breton didn鈥檛 invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
ME: Excuse me鈥here’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”