A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
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On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
These are too funny not to post 😂
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔