Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
You Might Also Like
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
this is the best day of my life
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.