I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
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[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion