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me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”