My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
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My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT