*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children