professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
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me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.