I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
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[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm