Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
set yourself free xox
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
I was just discussing this with my cat
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it