My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’