My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Nomnomnomnom
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts