me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
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NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.