me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
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Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks