October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*