My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
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I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.