Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos