wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
subtitles are so good nowadays
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
bought wrong eggs
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing