i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.