[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’