[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
58.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.