Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
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Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?