My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
smartest karate player in the world
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.