hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
so this horse walks into a bar
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
For the ones in the back.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much