7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
You Might Also Like
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.