You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
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Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Easy enough.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.