Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.