Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
You sure about that?
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.