The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
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Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I am patiently waiting for your email
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
He just like my cat fr
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
…u ok Nintendo?
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.