Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.