Yoga Matt
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It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
sigh
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
this chia pet tastes awful
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My safe word is Worcestershire
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’