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Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks