My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
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me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.