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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
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Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?