I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
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I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Passwords are more important than ever.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I’d … I’d rather not.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Birds & Planes.
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.