The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)