Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
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Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.