Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
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I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.