I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
You Might Also Like
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
“what that mouth do?” complain
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.