“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
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A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya