Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
You Might Also Like
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
How to find Kentucky on a map
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My patience has stretch marks.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.