Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
You Might Also Like
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??