How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
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life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Traveler’s camo
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff