Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.