[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight