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(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
✌️
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.