Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
this post was so formative to me
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why