I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
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I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.