I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.